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Recently a few things happened.
You know those crunch points, where you suddenly realise that something's gone too far? Well I've had a few of those recently. The upshot of these is that completely out of the blue I suddenly realised that as much as I had thought I was loving life, I wasn't actually able to function properly on a day to day basis.
This made me sad. Which made things worse, so that was really productive...
Then a wonderful friend made me realise that I really could take all of this by the scruff of the neck and turn myself around. I'm not really sure if you normally turn things around by the scruff of their necks, but there you go...
So I'm going to fix myself. Properly.
I'm going to deal with some issues that have been around for 4 or 5 years, and some that have been for 24 or 25.
I'm going to sort out my health, as much as I can.
I'm going to sort out my lifestyle, and the way I live in general.
I'm going to sort out the fairly damaging fucked upness that has been hanging around my head to do with certain parts of relationships.
And most importantly, I'm going to do this by pulling myself together, kicking myself up the arse whenever I falter, and really committing to doing this whole thing for good.
Because, quite frankly, I don't want to be me right now. So I'm going to be the person I was meant to be.
If I sound a little (or a lot) like I'm doing some fairly dramatic posturing right now, it's just my own wonderfully histrionic way of saying "fuck you" to the person I've become, and making sure that I don't let myself down and not do this.
So here goes, wish me luck!Current Mood:  determined Current Music: The Offspring - Let's Hear It for Rock Bottom |
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So many cuties.
So little chance :(Current Mood:  dorky Current Music: Maelstrom & Liquid Soul - React |
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Yesterday I posted a very happy LJ post. You'll be pleased to know I'm still very happy. But today the one ghost of my past that still has the ability to make me feel a little unhappy reared its head.
I'm sure that many of you will remember Alice, a girl of whom I was extremely fond when I was back in Cambridge, and who I still consider to be one of the best friends I ever had. But you'll notice the past tense. I haven't heard from Alice in years. The strange thing is, she occasionally comes online to msn, but refuses to answer any message, and generally signs off when I try to talk to her. I imagine she feels that she is "helping me move on" or some such. (She did something similar to another of her close friends back when I knew her.)
But here's the thing:
I HAVE MOVED ON. I moved on years ago. I moved on when I got together with Fi, and I never looked back. And to be honest, I would have thought that was fairly obvious back at the may ball that Alice came to, back when I was still together with Fi. In fact, if there is one thing that hangs over me with regards to Alice, it's the fact that I really have no idea why she has completely cut me out of her life.
Occasionally I have dreams about her. Years ago I would have winked and grinned when I said that. Nowadays, I tend to wake up feeling a little bit disappointed and depressed. And that's because in these dreams, the only thing that Alice and I do is talk. We meet, and smile, and talk about stuff, and I get to find out why someone who said she would ALWAYS be there for me suddenly won't talk to me at all. And we become real friends again. And then I wake up and realise that none of this has happened, and that I'm still as much in the dark as ever.
So here's a tip for anyone out there who's ever wondered whether not talking to someone will help them 'move on':
For a short while, maybe it will. But you need to remember that people ARE stronger than you might often think. And they tend to be able to move on a lot better and faster than you might imagine. And - and here's the crucial part - they tend to move on a hell of a lot better if they understand your actions and know where they stand.
I'm just putting that out there.
For all of that, though, I still really care about Alice, and hope that one day we manage to find our way back to friendship. Because, quite honestly, that's all I want from her. Nothing more.Current Mood:  mildly aggravated Current Music: Deftones - U,U,D,D,L,R,L,R,A,B,Select,Start |
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So, I feel it's time for an update! I've been a bit incommunicado with all you folks recently, and for that I offer MANY apologies. It's not been for any other reason than a HUGE amount going on.
On the up side, it's mostly been pretty good stuff happening! For those of you who know that Sam (my ex) came to visit for 6 weeks this Summer, the trip went really well. We had a bit of a shaky start, which I guess was to be expected, but once we settled down into the new friends-only relationship, we had a really great time. We did a whole bunch of stuff in London, and also went for a week's trip around part of mainland Europe by car, visiting Cologne, Waterloo, Brussels and Bruges. Unfortunately we didn't find any racist midgets or Irish hit men in Bruges, but we did find some incredible views and buildings. And chocolate. Very very good chocolate. Photos of the whole trip will be posted on facebook by Sam soon, and I may ask if I can also cross-post to my fb, so that my friends can view the whole shebang too, for those of you interested in European architecture.
It's a little strange living here without Sam now, after 6 weeks of her being here, but I also now have a lodger, an old school friend called Lain, so I'm not getting TOO lonely! A bonus advantage to Lain being here is that his rent money is going into my savings account to save up for my loft conversion, which promises to be ridiculously awesome, but probably quite expensive.
So what else has been going on? Well work has been very busy, and I've also been trying to see a bit more of my parents (they really are amazing people, and I miss them quite a bit) and also a few friends whom I haven't managed to see in far too long. This has lead me to the west country for the last couple of weekends, which has been lovely. West Pennard is still beautiful, and Bristol is still a stabby grey place (mostly), albeit with some fantastic people in it!
Health-wise I'm doing very well, although I don't know what will happen when I'm finally off the steroids in a couple of weeks. I have a nasty inclination that they are the reason I've been feeling so much better ever since my flare up, but they're not really a long-term solution that I want to go for if I can possibly avoid it, so we'll just have to see what happens. The probability is that I'll end up on immuno-suppressants for the long term, which while not ideal, will hopefully keep me at these levels of healthiness.
For those of you interested in my love life, it's fairly non-existent at the moment, but that's not really feeling like a bad thing right now. I've had a couple of fairly intense relationships over the last few years, and while I do miss some things from them, it's nice to feel like a I have a clean slate available to re-evaluate my life a bit and get my priorities a bit more sorted, without feeling like I'm putting myself under any kind of pressure to end up in another relationship. I love all my friends dearly, and I've had a few situations recently that have really made me appreciate just how wonderful a lot of my friends are, and how they really will be here for me when I need them - and that's something that makes being single very easy!
Oh, if you're on Twitter I do have an account - lorddon
You may well notice that it is a little strange. I have decided to twitter only in haiku. Something that I thought I was being original in calling "Twaiku". It turns out the term has been used quite a bit before. However, I don't care, because I like it, and it makes twitter slightly more interesting to me! I am, however, the creator of the #twaiku hashtag, so if you fancy twaikuing as well, make sure to include it! This is my way of trying to raise the intellectual input into twitter ever so slightly... (I'm such a fucking ponce sometimes...)
Anyway...
The lights are turned off
Now dreams shall soon fill my mind
I hope they are wet.
Night night y'all!Current Mood: determined Current Music: Kevin Rudolf - Let It Rock (feat. Lil Wayne) |
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Lots to say, but not sure how to say it all.
I kind of feel like I'm in a very weird place in my life right now, where nothing quite seems to make sense, but nothing quite seems wrong either. So I can't complain (about most things), but if I act a little weird, or prickly, please bear with me - it's not you, it's me. Unless it is you, in which case be nice to me, or I'll set my Ninja Monkeys on you. (Just to clarify - that was NOT aimed at anyone, even if you HAVE seen my t-shirt, it's not a veiled reference to you... No LJ wangst here please).
In other news that I CAN complain about, I was in the hospital from Friday evening until today with a fun and jolly Crohns flare up. I discovered that being dehydrated enough that I can't drink water isn't much fun, but DOES make me go slightly mad, twitchy and hilariously unable to make any kind of decision. I also discovered that I have the most amazing friends, who really rally around me to cheer me up (and Parents who drove all the way from Glastonbury to London and back in a day for a 4 hour hospital visit). Thank you SO much to those of you who came an visited, it meant the world to me. And to those who knew about it, but couldn't visit, your well wishes and kind thoughts really did make all the difference, so thank you to you also!
I'm not sure what else to say, really. There's a LOT going on in my head at the moment, but I'm not sure that any of it is really ready to let me know what it quite is, let alone be ready for me to splurge it to the world on LJ. I imagine that I'll figure it all out at some point soon, and it'll all be hilariously anticlimactic...
Anyway, work tomorrow, so I'd better get going.
Peace out, y'all, and remember: Cameron really IS the spawn of Satan. Seriously, I have it on good authority from his dad...Current Mood:  frustrated Current Music: Chris Cornell - You Know My Name |
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Once upon a time, I thought ideals were something I could live for, and truly believed that as long as I held true to my ideals, then I would never be able to feel like I had hurt the world, or those around me.
I realise now that I was wrong. Even though I have always held true to my ideals in how I have behaved, and how I have treated others (with a minor hiccup or two here or there, since I'm by no means perfect), I've come to realise that sometimes being nice to people only serves to make others around you, sometimes even including those that you are being nice to, feel more upset / angry / hatred. I've also come to believe that people who concentrate too much on their ideals often miss the big picture. When focussing their wrath upon one small thing or another, they miss how that thing fits into a much larger picture, and the fact that often the changes that would have to happen in order to make that small thing work "right" would be even less desirable. I've come to realise that compromise is my watchword, that extremism (and I'm not talking exclusively religious extremism here) can hide in the most peaceful of idealism, and that most people just can't appreciate how lucky they are.
In short, I have become cynical.
Part of me hates myself for this, because I feel like I've betrayed my own ideals, even though I have not changed the way I personally behave or treat others.
Part of me wants to lash out at those around me who I now see as blindly idealistic, and missing just how lucky we are to have the freedoms we DO have.
Mostly, I'm terrified that in their quest for an idealistic freedom, they will rob us of the chance to have a freedom that can work in reality, taking human nature into account.
And somehow, I have to reconcile this with the fact that I believe utterly in freedom of speech and human rights. What terrifies me really is that I don't really know how to reconcile so many "freedoms". How can we have freedom of speech and yet also have freedom from racism, discrimination and the violence that does, inevitably, follow from people preaching such things? Am I being overly cynical in thinking that human nature is such that while people preach violence and discrimination, violence shall occur in reality, even if not by the hand of those who spoke such poisonous rubbish? So often I hear (and have said) "I don't agree with what they are saying, but I would defend to the death their right to say it.". But do I really agree with that any more? Do I really think that by allowing people to preach hatred and violence we are creating a more free society? Or just one that allows bigotry of all forms to flourish unchecked? Can we really blame and punish those who carry out an act of hatred if we do not blame and punish those who taught that such hatred was the right way to live one's life?
And yet without such free speech, could we ever have reached the kind of freedom that we have already? Could we even possibly maintain it? I may not believe that every freedom is attainable, but I certainly don't want to get rid of the ones we already have, and the amazing progress we have already made...
And so I still say "I don't agree with what they are saying, but I would defend to the death their right to say it." to people. I still stand up and count myself as someone who believes in ideals as the solution. I WANT to believe that.
I think I may be lying. I wish I could be sure.Current Mood:  uncomfortable Current Music: Archive - Again |
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My father just phoned to tell me that my Uncle Christopher has died. We have been expecting this news for a while, as he was very ill with lung cancer, but it was still a shock in some ways to actually hear it.
For anyone who ever heard me talk about him, I'm sure you will have been left in no doubt of how huge a character Christopher was. He was a wonderful inspiration to me, and I will treasure his memory very very dearly.
While I am of course sad, I cannot imagine what it must feel like for my mother to have one of her brothers die, especially in a family as close as mine is. I wish there was something I could say to her, that would let her know that her son understood. But I honestly can't imagine what I could possibly say, other than "I'm so sorry. I love you.".
I'm listening to one of Christopher's recordings at the moment (he was a record producer for Decca, and produced almost all of the truly great operatic recordings of theirs for the last 40 odd years). It is an incredibly moving recording of La Traviata with Sutherland, Bergonzi, Merril and Pritchard. If you're not a classical musician, those names will probably mean nothing to you. If you are, you will understand the calibre of people who loved and respected Christopher for his amazing talent. I remember at his 70th birthday party, he had more classical music celebrities in one room than I had ever seen. Even Pavarotti, who was quite ill at the time, came.
The strange thing is though, that even though I am a classical musician, and even though he inspired me so much in that area, he inspired me even more in his dedication to family and friends. He was an amazingly generous and kindhearted man, who would never turn his back on anyone, and always made people feel appreciated.
He also had the best beard and clothing style I have ever seen. I don't know anyone else who could have ever carried off emerald green corduroys, a mustard yellow jacket and a paisley braces. And yet he never looked anything other than exceptionally smart. If I can do that when I'm 80, I'll know I've achieved something good!
I love you Christopher, and I miss you terribly.Current Music: Sutherland,Bergonzi,Merrill,Truccato Pace,de Palma, Ch.u.O. - Act 1: Follie! Delirio Vano E Questo! |
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I've had an interesting relationship with depression over the years. I remember back when I was 11 being horribly depressed while away at an orchestra course. But interestingly enough, I also remember it as the first time that I realised that in some perverse way, I actually enjoyed being depressed.
Nowadays, I'd be more specific. I'd say I don't enjoy being depressed, but it's almost like an old friend. It's strangely comforting. Which makes absolutely no sense.
I can try to rationalise it all I want, and talk about how I'm actually 'feeling' more intensely when I'm depressed than when I'm happy, but personally I think that's probably a load of bullshit.
I know that I suffer from clinical depression, so technically none of it actually needs to make sense anyway. It's allowed to be completely irrational and illogical. But it doesn't stop me being weirded out by how comforting it sometimes is to think back to some of the most horrible moments in my life, when I was at my most depressed.
How idiotic is that? I'm the happiest I've been in many ways, and yet I still get comfort from thinking about the most depressed times of my life.
Figure that...Current Mood:  contemplative Current Music: Archive - Again |
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You know you want this. You know it. You want it so bad you could cry. And like the wonderful, kind, caring, loving man I am, I will give it to you. It is:
( THE UPDATE ) |
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Sam posted this first. I've made a couple of editorial comments to put my perspective on it, but shockingly, we agree on most of it!
♥ What are your names?
Haydon and Sam - I agree there
♥ How long have you been together?
One day short of seven months - I agree there too, although you could possibly say a bit more depending on how you count it
♥ How long did you know each other before you started dating?
We'd been talking for seven months - yup
♥ Who asked who out?
It was just kind of a mutual decision - yup again
♥Who said I love you first?
I did :) - aww, aint I just the cutest?
♥ How old are each of you?
20 and 24 - I'm the older and more bald
♥ Do you have any children?
Nope - although she did scare the shit out of me once by sending me an email telling me we were parents... turns out her fish had just given birth...
♥ Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
Being away from each other for months at a time - no argument there
♥ Did you go to the same high school?
lulz no :) - let's see... same high school? We weren't even in the same country dammit!!
♥ Are you from the same hometown?
I think not - see above
♥ Who is the smartest?
We have very different kinds of intelligence, but I say he is. - Don't let her fool you. When it comes to long complicated medical terms I'm fairly sure that's one fight I wouldn't be getting back up from...
♥ Who is the most sensitive?
Him. ;) - yeah yeah... probably true though. I'm such an emo, me.
♥ Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Um... I guess the tie would be between Arby's and Hakka - mmm Arby's... mmm Hakka...
♥ Where is the furthest you two have travelled together as a couple?
Tennessee or Glastonbury - Although the longest trip we've made together is probably 4 hours maximum... figure that ;)
♥ Who has the craziest exes?
Me. I'd say he has the meanest, I have the craziest. - don't worry ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) animedarling, she's not referring to you there! But yes, I'd agree.
♥ Who has the worst temper?
Neither, really... neither of us has much of a temper. - Not with each other, at least. Both of us can be pretty firey to other people though at times. Not sure if anyone on here has ever really seen me lose it with someone, but if you have, she can match that, which takes some doing!
♥ Who does the cooking?
Depends on where we are and what the food is. We like to cook together <3 - awww aren't we just adorable?
♥ Who is the most social?
He is, by far - yeah, have to agree. But to be fair, I'm the one whose friends have generally NOT fucked me over.
♥ Who is the neat freak?
When I'm at his house, me. When he's here, him. - although now that my house is clean and tidy it is CLEAN AND TIDY. And no one, NO ONE better make it otherwise. Come on, I dare you.
♥ Who is the most stubborn?
We're probably on an even playing field there. - Can't argue there. I pity anyone who disagrees with the combined Samdon / Haydam wall of solid stubbornness.
♥ Who wakes up earlier?
He does, and then I go whine at him to come back to bed hehe... - it's cute though. And generally very tempting...
♥Who has the bigger family?
Him. - no contest. I have a Jewish family. What can I say?
♥Do you get flowers often?
No... I get chocolate oranges, which are better ;-) - best welcome to England present evar.
♥ Who do you spend the holidays with?
We're trying to alternate - we're doing well so far. Roll on Feb 27th!
♥ Who is more jealous?
Neither. - we are awesome.
♥ How long did it take to get serious?
That's a little complicated to answer. - hoooo boy....
♥Who does the laundry?
Me if it's my house, him if it's his - although I seem to remember doing quite a bit in Bellarmine dorms, baby... ;)
♥ Who’s better with the computer?
I have a Mac, so by default I'm better ;) - Oh dear... You see? There's always a flaw in them somewhere.
♥ Who drives when you are together?
Me in my country, him in his ;) (seeing a pattern yet?) - *&%$ing American manuals. They don't work the same as British manual gear boxes. Figure that...
♥ Who picks where you go to dinner?
I think he does, generally - I'm the food snob. You'd never guess just by looking at me...
♥ Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong?
I really don't know on this one... - I think I'm probably the first, but then again she's less opinionated and so doesn't have cause to do so so often!
♥ Who named your pet?
He's named two of my fish, Twitch and Scootch, and I've named all the others, and he named his own fish - awwww I miss them!!!!! I can't wait to see them soon!
♥ Who wears the pants in the relationship?
Sometimes he does, sometimes I do - not an awful lot of skirts in our relationship.
♥ Who has more tattoos?
Me - soon, my pretty, soon....
♥ Who eats more sweets?
Probably me. - but I eat more. Period. Damn.
♥ Who cries more?
Hands down, me. - *hugs tight* It's only because I'm British and have a 'stiff upper lip'. Yes, lip.
♥ Are you still together?
Duh :) - *kisses* I love you Sam. Will you be my Valentine? |
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Wow, it's been a while. Monthly update hasn't even managed to be monthly. So how is everyone? No... seriously... how the fuck are you all? Ever since moving to London I've been struggling to feel like I actually have anything to do with half of the people I want to have a lot to do with! This is by no means their fault (just to be sure no one gets the wrong idea). It has mostly to do with the fact that I'm currently living on someone's floor and therefore can't really invite people round to stay a couple of days, and the fact that I've been hilariously busy trying to sort crap out, like buying a house and trivial things like that. Oh, and my job. So please, PLEASE, tell me how all you wonderful people are doing.
So what's going on with me? Well, as mentioned before, I've moved to London, to pursue my new career as a consultant. Yay. I'll be honest, if it wasn't for the fact that it was a job offer at a time when jobs aren't that easy to come by, and a decent pay rise and promotion from my last role, there is no way in a billion years I'd have moved to London. I hated it the first time, in my gap year, and I'm not really finding it that much better now. It's all grey. The people are mostly grey. Even as a fairly sheltered fresh faced (and clean shaven) 18 year old the grey got to me so much that I ended up dying my hair pillar box red and quitting my job after 6 months. I have a feeling though that it has a lot to do with me finding my feet and my social group here. And actually spending time with people. The guys I work with are mostly lovely, but seriously... they're fucking consultants. If I wanted to spend my whole life with consultants I'd have become one... oh... wait... fuck.
Joking aside, I need to find my feet here. London *can* be a great place once you get settled in. But if you're living on a 60 yo family friend's floor and have just changed job and are still finding your feet in the workplace, it's hard to do. The saving grace that is a *massive* difference to when I was 18 is that I have a group of really amazing friends in London now, some ex-cambridge, some from completely different times in my life. When I first came here 6 years ago I didn't have friends in London really. And the people I was working with really weren't that interested in being friends with an 18 yo music freak. Fucking journos.
So in conclusion to that part, London *will* be great, I know. It will take a bit of time though. Ask me in a year and I'll probably be saying I'd never leave it.
So other news. Well I've alluded to me buying a house. I am. If anyone else tries to depress me with any more talk about negative equity etc etc I will personally shove my financial services professional role in their face and then ask them to do certain calculations to do with dropping house values and rent paid over a period of three years in London. I am aware that I may lose money. I'm not a moron. But I *have* done the calculations, and there are certain other circumstances which I won't discuss on here (or with every fucktard who seems to take an interest in trying to dissuade me from doing something that's already been decided even if they have no clue about my personal situation) which mean that it looks, on balance, to be an extremely good idea.
Sorry... that turned into a rant. It wasn't meant to. But seriously... every time I mention the fact I'm buying a house I get the sucked in breath and tutting you only normally hear when you take your car to the garage and the mechanic looks under the bonnet. It's actually really really REALLY started to piss me off. I work in the financial sector. Do you honestly think I don't fucking know we're in a recession??? *Growls*
Anyway, rant aside, the house I'm buying is great. It's in Harrow, for any of you who know where that is (north London, but very much suburbs). It's a 2 bed flat, not house actually, but it's the top half of a house, not in a block or ex council or anything, on a really pretty street in a quiet, really safe area. And it has a loft of hugeness. HUGENESS. There will be super happy fun converting times. When I have more monies. Until then it's still a very big place (for a 2 bed in London) with plenty of crash space for friends (hint hint) and everything I could want. It's also 7 minutes walk away from an enormous shopping centre. With a cinema. You never know, I might actually get to go to the big screen thing again. It looks like I should be able to move in in mid November. House warming party will happenning sometime in mid-December, all things going to plan.
Talking of mid-December, if you see me between the 13th December and 3rd January, you'll probably see me joined at the hip with a rather lovely Kentuckian. Yes, that's right, I will *actually* get to see Sam again! So if you want to meet the lovely lady in my life, you know when to come say hi. And please do. It would be great if you guys were able to meet one of the most important people in my life and get to know who I'm constantly rabbiting on about.
So... in summary:
Job - still settling in but seems to be going very well
House - floor at the moment, but soon Harrow here I come!
Love - couldn't be happier, except for when she visits in December
London - crappy, but will get better and better I know
Fish - staying at Nell and Daniels, and I can't wait to have them back
Life - I'm fairly sure I win.
Seriously though... tell me how you all are doing!!! Love you guys. Over and out.Current Mood:  and happy Current Music: Daft Punk - almost the entire album while I was writing this long assed post |
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Life is good. That is all.
Only kidding. What, you thought you could get away with a short post from me?? Silly people...
So... what's been going on in the life of Haydon recently? Well, I went to Ireland when I was originally going to finish my contract with my firm. That was a week and a half of sheer awesomeness with Gaz and some really cool people. I had a whole load of fun out there, and it was just what I needed to stop myself burning out after the last few months.
Then I went down to Bristol for a few days, to hang out with my brother Sam. For those of you who are confused: no he's not my blood brother, but we grew up together, we've been the best of friends ever since primary school, and we've generally spent more time with each other than anyone else in our whole lives. As far as I'm concerned, he's my brother. Semantics is fun, don't you think? Anyway... we had an awesome time, and Sam cleaned my car (his Christmas present to me) up to a shine I have only previously seen on new medical instruments, and possibly the top of my bald spot.
After that, I went to the St Catharine's may ball with Sam, his lovely girlfriend Dannii, master_cobweb and her fantastic hubby legshagger and the lovely Carmine (see previous blog entries). That was great fun. Then at 5am Carmine and I left Cambridge, and I hopped on a short flight over to Kentucky, via a rather longer than it should have been connection in Newark airport, managing to meet up with my parents on their way back from Australia while I was in Heathrow.
Thereafter followed three weeks of really quite eventful time in Kentucky, with short visits to Indiana and Tennessee, followed by a couple of days in San Francisco to see animedarling and her very sweet other half.
Kentucky was eventful for quite a few reasons. One was that I made a whole load of new friends, and solidified a couple of existing friendships. Another was that I discovered a huge love for sitting in a pool in Tennessee for most of the day, drinking beer, relaxing in the baking sunshine and just generally vegging out in a fashion I'm not sure even exists in this country. Well, at least not commonly - I may have to start a new trend as soon as I win the lottery. Property prices are not really fair over here. A small, rather shitty, two bed flat in Cambridge is about the same price as a frickin mansion in Tennessee. Fair? Nay, says I. I have a property magazine with me if anyone wants to verify this, and then feel really depressed for the next few times they pay their rent.
Another thing that happened was that I found I'm far more able to enjoy the company of dogs than I ever thought before. Or maybe American dogs are just generally friendlier than English ones?
Oh, and amongst all that I managed to find myself a girlfriend.
Wait, what was that? A genuine girlfriend? Well yes. I'm genuinely happy about this, as you may have guessed from the tone of this post. Happier than I've been in quite a while. Yes, it sucks that at the moment Sam (not my brother Sam, fairly obviously) and I live in different countries, but I'm not going to let that stop me being with someone I care this much about. In this post I have already mentioned two couples who have done exactly the same and managed to end up together very happily. I don't know what the future holds, but to be honest I'm bloody confident, and excited.
On top of everything else, I've taken hold of my weight and really managed to start losing the pounds effectively. I'll admit that the American diet may have let me slip a little bit (mainly because of the temptation to try every American food that doesn't exist in England... and that's quite a few. Including chicken fried steak and Arby's), but I'm perfectly happy catching back up now!
Hmm... what else? Oh yes... I've just had a week of 21 hour days, working my ass off for my continued contract, while at the same time training for my new post that starts in September. Bless her heart though, Sam has been a massive support and kept me awake on Skype while I was trying to write stupid array formulas on Excel such as: {=SUM(IF(E5:E104="W1",IF(G5:G104="car",IF(H5:H104="Blue",1))))} No seriously, it is a genuine formula. I think it almost made me cry when I worked it out. If you've ever wanted to know the number of blue cars in W1 without using the perfectly simple filter method (why God, why???) from just a rather poorly formatted DVLA spreadsheet, well there you go. And before anyone gets on me for asking "Why?", yes I DO know that array formulas are amazingly useful and make everything able to be automated etc etc and yes I know I wouldn't want to have to manually count through several million car records. I'm making a point, dammit. You're ruining my train of thought.
So... in summary: I went out and saw a bit more of the world, I found friends, I found love, and I found array formulas.
Right now, I'm twitching like a bunny on crystal meth. Please don't sue me Hugh Laurie.Current Mood:  rejuvenated Current Music: Bullet for My Valentine - Hearts Burst Into Fire |
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I'm now in San Francisco, safe and sound, after three glorious weeks based in Kentucky. I've barely seen anything of it so far, since I arrived at 11.09pm local time, so I'll wait until at least tomorrow before passing final judgement!
It's great to see Fi and Ryan, even though it's very late. It feels like an aboslute age since I last saw Fi. Having said that, it seems like an entire lifetime ago that I left the UK and came over here, and yet it's only been barely three weeks, and has gone all too fast, at the same time as feeling like everything else was from a different life.
Kentucky was amazing though: it's a beautiful place, and there are some great people who I've had some real laughs with. I'm already missing it, and that's no reflection on San Francisco, either.
Anyway, it's bedtime for me now, so have fun everyone, and see you on the other side! |
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So I'm in the glorious US of A at the moment. It's good. I'm serious. Kentucky is awesome. It's beautiful, warm but not sweltering, the people are almost exclusively lovely (that I've met so far), and they ALL love me because I'm English. How cool is that?
Seriously, though, I'm having a great time. For those of you who believe the Kentucky stereotypes, you should visit for yourselves and discover just how untrue they are. At least in the majority of people I've met so far. Admittedly the greeter at Cracker Barrel (a very southern restaurant) looked and sounded exactly like Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel (from the Simpsons) and the guy across from me at the coffee shop I'm currently in just said to his friend that "The USA is moving from oil to nuclear energy... hey... that increases the risk of nuclear meltdown!!". But really, that's about as "special" as I've seen round here.
I haven't particularly got that much more news really. I've just been relaxing and hanging out with lovely people. I'm going to Indiana in a few minutes to spend the weekend in Jasper (a place, before any jokes get made) staying with my friend Jesseca's family, and next weekend I'm spending the fourth of July until Sunday in Tennessee, hanging out with my friend Sam at her family's place (I'm staying with both of them at Bellarmine University at the moment, so they're both taking me to see a bit more of the country over the next couple of weeks).
That's about as much news as I have. Life is fun, and the people around me are lovely. It's going to be very hard to come home and leave all this behind.Current Mood: grateful |
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I'm sure I should be trying to sleep right now, but I feel like I need the catharsis of writing about my thoughts right now while listening to music that makes my soul bleed. Too goth? Fuck it, it's not about pain, or suffering, or blood as such. It's about how sometimes music makes my soul feel like it's being torn apart piece by piece and then put back together with even more added in as a reward.
Oh joy... I'm doing a lol-worthy wangst entry. Except I'm not trying to. I'm not depressed, or upset. I'm thoughtful. I guess my thoughts are just in a weird place right now. It's strange, I've been so happy recently (and still am, that hasn't changed) but there are also times when I'm convinced I'm either about to fuck it all up, or am already in the process of doing so. I'm sure some of you would consider it simple paranoia. Maybe it is. A close friend of mine recently offered me a different explanation.
"When it comes to relationship" she said, "you try to destroy them to save yourself from being hurt." Or words to that effect.
It's true, I think. When I first got together with one (now ex-)girlfriend, I was so convinced that something must be about to go wrong that I managed to almost make her walk out on me within a month of us being together. With another, I was so convinced that she must believe my weight to be an issue to her that I ended up making things incredibly awkward between us for quite some while.
And now I keep on managing to talk with a certain southern belle like she's about to leave me. I hear the words coming out of my mouth and I want to slap myself for them, I really do. It's so stupid. So fucking stupid. God bless her, she puts up with it. She says she has faith in me, and I actually believe her. But there will be a limit, I know. I must not push her to that point. I must master my own insecurities and put them where they belong, which is in my past. I have a wonderful future to which to look forward, and I'll be buggered before I let myself screw it up.
This whole entry probably makes very little sense to anyone but me, and possibly her. But the time has come for me to stop worrying so much about the future, and to enjoy the present, one day at a time. I'm just immensely grateful I have someone alongside me who is willing to make that so much easier by believing in me.
Ah catharsis, you are a wonderful feeling.Current Mood: grateful Current Music: Massive Attack - Angel |
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Life is good! There you go, I thought I'd start you all off with something incredible and wangstless. Amazingly, this post should probably continue in this vein, so clearly I wasn't lying!
So what's new in Haydonland? Well, not a huge amount to be honest. I've been pottering along with work as per usual, which has been slightly stressful but mostly good fun. The Lupmas have been lovely and wonderful and I've been very much enjoying spending lots of time with them. (It really does help living with people who you are so fond of!)
CSI has been occupying a lot of my spare time when I feel like all I can do is flop on a sofa, and in a wonderful non-sequitor I'm hopefully starting to get my health sorted out. My GP has finally seemed to come round to the idea that he might have missed something, so I had a whole load of blood tests, including one to test for thyroid issues, which he suddenly seems to think might actually be something. So who knows, maybe we'll be seeing healthy Haydon soon! Also, from the start of next week, I'm going to the Deloitte gym every work day after work that I can. Which will make me very happy.
On a less happy note, it seems like my Grandfather is really not very well, and has been given 6 months or so to live. Obviously we all hope he will fight through it in his usual stubborn way, but it looks like this time if I want to see him again it would be cutting it too close not to go out to Australia very soon. Therefore I'm heading off to the land of Oz for 8 days or so to see him in February, along with my father. It won't be easy for anyone. But it will be more than worthwhile. No matter how much I know he has done unforgivable things, no matter how I know he has hurt many many people that I love, I still love him. And it's been a VERY long time since I've seen him.
And on a far more happy note, the position in which I said I'd found myself a few posts ago does seem to have come together very nicely. It means that yes, Haydon IS in another long-distance relationship, but you know what? So what. We both fell for each other, and I refuse to give up on the idea of that just because we're apart at the moment. Thankfully, the distance doesn't look like it's going to be too permanent and thankfully my job means that not only do I have the money to do quite a good bit of travelling to see her, I can also move around quite easily if I wanted to move cities / countries in a couple of years (although don't panic, I'm not planning wedding bells etc, I just always like to know if I get into a relationship that there is nothing glaringly obvious meaning that it could never be a long-term thing).
I think that's about it for the update. Basically life is good, and fun. Definitely fun. I've been laughing a lot more than in a long time.
Happy Haydon (tm).Current Mood: optimistic Current Music: Foo Fighters - Let It Die |
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Who said Christianity's hard to swallow at Christmas...
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So I feel like doing another random update. Not sure why actually, but I suddenly got the inclination.
Exams for work are shite. I had the mocks on Thursday and got the results back today. I fucked up quite badly. Yay. Although, to be fair, the teacher was slightly confused as to why my mark on one of them was as low as it was. I guess I'm going to have to look at my exam technique and see what I can do. As a favour though, the head-teacher-guy has got the specialist in that subject looking through my mock paper and trying to work out where I'm going wrong. I'm pleased about this, as this kind of exam is very new to me. The time pressure is so incredible that I can hardly write fast enough to even get 50%, let alone pass the bloody thing. Oh well, roll on the teacher's advice!
Apart from exams, not a huge amount has been going on. I've been spending most of my hilariously termed "free time" (i.e. the time when I'm just simply too tired to work) either crashed out in front of the TV or with animedarling. The former has been lazy but good for my soul (oh trash TV I love you), the latter has been lovely and very giving in both time and cooking expertise. We went to see The Golden Compass yesterday. It was awesome, although I have to preface any other comments with the disclaimer that I haven't actually yet read the books, although the very pretty steam-punkiness and beautiful mix of fantasy and politics has fast pushed said books very high up my "to read" list. My only slight annoyance at the film was that they made a few silly cinematographic mistakes, but on the whole I really did truly enjoy it. So far, it's by far been one of my best cinema experiences this year, which given that this summer was pretty bloody good for film is some accolade in fact. It certainly blew Harry Potter and its ridiculously bad pacing out of the water.
In other news, while I am currently stupidly stressed about exams, I am actually still enjoying the rest of my job hugely. The people really are lovely. It's the little things, like one of our directors bothering to send a personal email to my intake wishing us luck in exams. I know its all good business sense to make your employees feel valued and I'm sure I'm being exceptionally naive yadda yadda yadda. But to be honest once you've met these people you start to realise that yes, the firm as a whole is a business entity and obviously has certain business practices etc. But the people I work with are people. Not just part of a business. And I really, really like them.
So what else? Well... there's something happening in my life which is slightly scary and exciting, but I'm not going to talk much about it except to say that for the first time in quite a long while, I'm starting to feel like life may not be plodding along so much as actually starting to take me along the scenic route again. Which is very exciting, if - as I mentioned before - slightly scary at the same time. God only knows whether I will make the right decisions in the coming months, but it's starting to look like I might genuinely care whether I do or not again.Current Mood:  excited Current Music: Fall Out Boy - I'm Like a Lawyer With the Way I'm Always Trying to Get You Off (Me & You) |
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